Jokes

[grandpalovegood]

;D

[Duddahs]

What do you call a Hippogriff that stands out in the Rain?

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Give up?


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WET! ;D

[rallem]

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

The liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"

[Duddahs]

Dec 28, 2010 11:57:47 GMT -6 rallem said:

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

The liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[fangsfan1]

I had to send this to my sister because she's another dog lover-she loved it too!

[rallem]

Bedside Manners

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[rallem]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[rallem]

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

[rallem]

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[Duddahs]

Mary had a little lamb,

her father shot it dead.

Now Mary takes her lamb to school,

between two hunks of bread.

[rin68nyr]

LOL.... ;D

...someone alert PETA!

Erin

[Duddahs]

Jan 21, 2011 15:45:14 GMT -6 rin68nyr said:

LOL.... ;D

...someone alert PETA!

Erin

WHY?

Mary took her Lamb to School

between two slices of Peta??

No, tell them to stay home... Just does not rhyme! Anyway, I am not one of those Peta people though I do love animals.. But I love my steak more! How about the silent SCREAMS of a Maine or Boston Lobster? Let them scream I say! Heck bring the family and join in the chorus! We can have a party! I'll bring the butter and the bibs!

[dtremlett]

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Seafood!!!! I'm a member of P.E.T.A.
People who
Eat
Tasty
Animals

Bring on the Lea and Perrins!!!!

[rin68nyr]

Duddahs...I'll bring the lobster crackers....DTremlett, i'll bring the mint jelly...let's have a FEAST! LOL

Erin

[rallem]

I am an omnivore for I eat meat and vegetarians.

[JB Rockus]

;D ;D

a friend sent this to me, very funny!!

Subject: Real conversations from call centres



Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly stat es that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in

Europe) 'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England,

do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from

a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm

steaming up the window to write the number on.'
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen,

can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized

that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will

I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think

this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true

story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from

a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless

to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is

currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination

without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden

the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Opera tor: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around

the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept

anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like

a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and

find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if

it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you

notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,

not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there

again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here i t is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged

securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something

and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right

angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I

have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've

got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system

and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back

to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell

them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

[rallem]

Here is a story with two Morals

There was a little baby bird whose parents were off looking for some food for it. The little bird grew curious at what was over the edge of his nest and while looking over fell out of the tree.

The little bird was ok, except he didn't know how to get back into his nest and he was getting cold on the ground, so he began chirping loudly for help.

"Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!"

A cow heard the little bird’s chirps for help and wandered over to check things out. The cow recognized that the little bird was cold and took pity in it so she raised her tail and dropped a cow patty to keep it warm.

The bird freed its head from under the cow patty and it was warmer, but again the bird wanted to get back into its tree so it began chirping for help.

"Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!"

A fox heard the little birds chirps for help so he crept on over to see what was happening. The fox saw the bird underneath a cow patty. The fox pulled the little bird from cow patty and cleaned the dirt off. Finally the fox held the bird into the air and then popped it into his mouth and ate the little bird.

Moral 1: Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy and not everyone who helps you out is your friend.

Moral 2: When you’re up to your nose in manure keep your mouth shut.

[Duddahs]

Happy April Fools Day

[grandpalovegood]

Why wasn't Voldermort at the Yule ball?




He had no body to go with.

[pseudonym]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."