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Post by rallem on Jan 15, 2011 10:15:32 GMT -6
I didn't change it too much.
"Five sickle, just five sickles, that is all I need." Arthur mumbled to himself.
As he dug his hand deeper into his robe pockets in search of a few small coins. His fingers instead found the seams of the inner lining of his robe. Nothing was there other than a few pieces of balled up lint and a stray throat lozenge.
He continued walking towards the clanking golden gates of the elevators. Work, it was something that Arthur loved with a passion but despised all the same.
“Weasley, you’re so pathetic,” spat Lucius Malfoy as he paused for effect, “What are you digging for five sickles?” The other witches and wizards in the elevator chuckled.
Arthur feared for that perhaps he let his guard down for an instance and Lucius had read his mind, but then he remembered the elevators down to the SUBTERRANEAN Ministry guarded that from happening. “No I was just looking for my lozenge,” spoke Arthur as he pulled a ball of lint from his pocket and tossed it in his mouth. The look of contempt on Malfoy’s face was soon replaced with nausea as Arthur swallowed the lint then pulled out the real lozenge. “I meant to do that.” The others in the elevator burst out laughing as the Arthur placed the lozenge in his mouth.
The look of contempt grew back on Lucius’s face, “Was that lint your daily supper and the lozenge your dessert?” The others in the elevator stopped laughing when Arthur raised his eyebrows. “You’re a disgrace the way you force your family to starve for your principals,” uttered Malfoy.
“Life is usually ROUGH when you work with principals Lucius, and sometimes one must forego certain luxuries to have them, but my family always eats well.”
Lucius bared his CANINES in an effort to intimidate Arthur Weasley.
Arthur shook his head and spoke, “I am sometimes FLABBERGASTED that you cannot understand that simple concept Lucius. You sell your principals to have the luxuries I choose not to covet, but someday you will learn that selling your principals will show everyone how cheap you really are.”
Lucius Malfoy’s face grew red at the words his nemesis used against him.
“Lucius, the truth of the matter is I was looking for five sickles in my pocket just so I could throw them in the fountain as I passed by and wish you and your family a healthy and safe holiday.”
As the golden gates to the elevators clanked open Lucius’s face changed from anger to disbelief and then to awe. “Thank you Arthur, I hope you and your family have a very merry Christmas too.” The two wizards nodded to each other as Arthur walked away GIDDY at this outcome. As Arthur neared the fountain he happened to touch a pocket in his vest he forgotten and found five sickles. Arthur paused in thought and threw them in the fountain.
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Post by Duddahs on Jan 16, 2011 13:48:40 GMT -6
OK, let me first say that I am not a good judge of anything.. Well, maybe some things but I really dislike judging others.. I do not mind being judged myself as long as I know it is fair though.
With all of that said, I really enjoyed both stories that were submitted greatly.
When push comes to shove, I would have to give the edge to Erin's story. It had superb structure, fullness and finish..
Rallem's story had a great plot and some twist and turning too.
I was impressed that both stories had the use of some of the very same characters but the results were completely different in the end.
Rallem, even though you changed only a few things in the re-write, I do believe that it made it a better and more cohesive story.. Great job, to both of you. I doubt I could have done as well.
OK, now it is time for Erin to write the intro to the next story... OH, I am getting very itchy all over.. I was so worked up last week not being able to write a story myself that I wrote one in the Short Story category which I hope you all got a chance to read... It was so fun!s
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 16, 2011 16:34:02 GMT -6
Why thank you, Duddahs! I had a lot of fun writing it. I will write an intro soon (hopefully tonight) and get it up on here!
Erin
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 16, 2011 19:59:11 GMT -6
OK...here it is. I admit, Duddahs, I am a bit nervous about the judging part...I don't like to judge others much...but I will try to do a good job! Now, here is my intro. Hope you all have fun trying it out!
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He carefully rolled out the dough, and then began mixing the ingredients for treacle tart. Dobby was honored to serve in the Hogwarts kitchens, and was hard at work with the other house elves. He looked up as the door from the hallway opened...
FLASHLIGHT
GUM
NUMEROUS
CHASE
CURTAIN
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Post by Duddahs on Jan 17, 2011 13:33:25 GMT -6
He carefully rolled out the dough, and then began mixing the ingredients for treacle tart. Dobby was honored to serve in the Hogwarts kitchens, and was hard at work with the other house elves. He looked up as the door from the hallway opened
.
The painting of the bowl of fruit slowly opened into the small archway that separated the great kitchens of Hogwarts and the staircase just on the other side of the cool stone walls.
Though it was obvious that the kitchens were well below ground, it was a very bright and cheery place to work. The ceiling above the expansive chamber appeared to be the very same as the day lit sky where the Owls could also be seen flying back and forth from the Owlery to their appointed destinations of delivery. Laden down with all sorts of packages and envelopes containing parchments with the complaints of the various students that went about their daily lives.
Unbeknown to most of the students that attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were NUMEROUS assortments of House Elves, kept from common knowledge by a CURTAIN of secrecy.
There at the entrance painting stood the formidable form of Albus Dumbledore. In his left hand, which he held out proudly, was a small device which seemed to go into sudden action. It clicked and clicked and the sunny light which filled the cavernous kitchens was instantly being sucked into the device, not unlike a muggle FLASHLIGHT but working in a reverse action.
The room was plunged into darkness and if it were not for the few small torches which hung upon the walls of the kitchen and the small amount of light they gave, everyone would have been oblivious to the approaching Headmaster and his guest.
There in the right hand of Headmaster Dumbledore stood a house elf. One so very different than any the others had ever come in contact with. That is with the exception of Dobby, Dobby the Free House Elf.
A sudden gasping of air by all of the many house elves in unison sent shivers through them, one and all. Without word, Dobby dropped the pin that he was using to roll out a six foot long piece of dough. Then each and every house elf began to CHASE Dobby to try to get to the Headmaster and the oddity that he brought with him.
The house elves amassed themselves in front of Headmaster Dumbledore, each attempting to bow lower to the floor than the next elf. Rows of House Elf nose were now touching the floor, with their ears flopping over their saucer like eyes.
The tiny house elf held onto Albus Dumbledores’ hand so tightly that the tips of the headmaster’s fingers began to actually turn deep red from pressure. She nervously gnashed upon her tongue as if she had a piece of chewing GUM in her mouth.
“Ah yes, I wish to introduce to you all, Winky, our newest addition to the staff of Hogwarts House Elves. I hope you all will make her feel welcome.”
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Post by rallem on Jan 18, 2011 8:19:42 GMT -6
He carefully rolled out the dough, and then began mixing the ingredients for treacle tart. Dobby was honored to serve in the Hogwarts kitchens, and was hard at work with the other house elves. He looked up as the door from the hallway opened and in walked NUMEROUS students. Ronald Weasley was in the lead carrying a FLASHLIGHT as the others tiptoed closely behind. “Harry Potter!” exclaimed Dobby.
“Hello Dobby. How are you?” greeted Harry.
Dobby smiled lovingly to Harry then looked at the device Ron carried and asked, “Are you here to gather treats?
“No Dobby, we’re on a CHASE mission to get a CURTAIN from the other houses before they can; and since we don’t know exactly where all of the houses are we were wondering if you could help,” asked Harry.
Dobby looked back to Harry with sad eyes and answered, “An elf cannot help you break into other houses Harry Potter. It would break very strict rules.”
Harry shook his head, “We’re not asking you to break any rules. What we were wondering is if the houses had their curtains maintained through elf care.”
Dobby’s eyes turned gleeful and he nodded his head.
“Are any of those curtains in for maintenance now?”
Again dobby nodded.
“Could we please borrow a curtain from other houses for about an hour?”
Again Dobby nodded his head and with a snap of his fingers disappeared.
“Nice,” added Seamus Finnegan, and then asked suspiciously “Why are we following Weasley with a muggle device?”
Ron looked at it and admitted, “I think my dad confiscated it as a magically enhanced device.”
Hermione looked outraged, “Ronald Weasley how could you? Especially after what happened the last time you sneaked a device from your father.”
Ron looked apologetically towards Hermione and added, “I didn’t sneak this, REALLY.”
“So your dad just handed you a device he confiscated?” asked Seamus.
“Well yeah,” answered Ron and after a pause of silence added, “My dad asked me find out what it does.”
“Why would people use a muggle device when they can use magic?” asked Seamus.
“I don’t know Seamus, these seem rather ingenious the way they use eclecticity.”
“That’s electricity Ron,” corrected Hermione.
Just then Dobby appeared with three worn CURTAINS for their respective houses. Seamus looked annoyed and elated, as the Gryffindor students thanked Dobby, and then left to report to the Headmaster’s office. Seamus piped up, “Um, I have to visit the lavatory, I’ll catch up,” and he ran off.
The group watched Seamus scamper off, and then Ron opened a door to an unused dungeon. Inside stood Seamus Finnegan recovering from the Petrificus Totalus charm “Here chew this GUM, it will help with the effects,” instructed Ron.
The group again walked quickly to the Headmaster’s Office. Hermione looked puzzled and asked, “What’s going on here?”
Ron looked over his shoulder, “I saw Draco attack Seamus a little while ago to spy on us, so I decided to have a go at it.”
“But Ron, when Draco reports your enchanted FLASHLIGHT to his dad, your father will surely get in trouble.”
Ron shook his head and replied, “I just got it at a convenience store. When my dad gets reported, Lucius will look like a fool.”
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Post by rallem on Jan 18, 2011 8:22:17 GMT -6
Nice story Duddahs.
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Post by Duddahs on Jan 18, 2011 12:24:28 GMT -6
Thanks Rallem, I liked your story as well. Absolutely different directions and gives so much for one to think of what might have been.... Or what might still be? |
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 18, 2011 15:42:38 GMT -6
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading both of these....might I get to read more???.....
Erin
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Post by rallem on Jan 18, 2011 19:03:02 GMT -6
I had a difficult time getting this story down to 500 words or less and I didn't even get to the finish I wanted. When I got to the part where this story ends I performed a word count as a bookmark and was already at 670+ words, so I started trimming it.
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 18, 2011 19:07:37 GMT -6
I had to that with the last one, too, Rallem. 500 words isn't that much! LOL
Erin
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Post by rallem on Jan 19, 2011 9:38:17 GMT -6
Some of these types of contests go to100 words or less. That would be really tough in my opinion. ;D
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Post by Duddahs on Jan 19, 2011 9:48:21 GMT -6
Some of these types of contests go to100 words or less. That would be really tough in my opinion. ;D 100 WORDS? I have written run on sentences with more than 100 words in them. |
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Post by rallem on Jan 19, 2011 15:23:09 GMT -6
Some of these types of contests go to100 words or less. That would be really tough in my opinion. ;D 100 WORDS? I have written run on sentences with more than 100 words in them. I try to keep my run on sentences to 75 words or less. ;D |
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 19, 2011 15:24:14 GMT -6
I don't think I could do 100! LOL think back to when we were in elementary school, and our teacher told us we had to write 100 words! LOL
Erin
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 21, 2011 21:45:57 GMT -6
C'mon everyone...2 more days! Let's get some more stories on here!
Erin
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Post by grandpalovegood on Jan 22, 2011 7:33:06 GMT -6
C'mon everyone...2 more days! Let's get some more stories on here! Erin Yeah... I want pleanty to backread next week. Right now my brain is on overload from all I've been doing ..... and there is so much sleep to catch up on. I feel like I could sleep for month without waking. Hopefully next week will be much more back to the recent routine. Maybe if inspiration hits me just right, I might jump in on next weeks writings.... no promises though. Good luck to all.  |
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Post by Duddahs on Jan 25, 2011 11:17:37 GMT -6
OH, I hope that Erin comes back soon and judges who is the next person to start the next story..
I will be most likely around over the next few days, snowbound with a little extra time on my hands.
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 25, 2011 16:12:54 GMT -6
Hi all! I am very sorry...I did not forget! A colleague of mine was killed in a car accident over the weekend, and my mind was kind of taken up with that. Give me a few minutes to re-read, and give my decision.
Thanks!
Erin
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Post by rin68nyr on Jan 25, 2011 16:20:30 GMT -6
OK...well..I LOVED how both stories brought in elements of things we've read from the books...In Duddahs story, the deluminator, and how Winky came to Hogwarts. In Rallems, the personality of each character is very accurate. I am hard pressed to judge, but I'm going with Rallem's, because I liked the slight confusion I felt when Seamus first looked annoyed...and loved how sneaky Ron was to win one over Draco. So, Rallem, congratulations, and I look forward to seeing more writing from your intro.!
Erin
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